Published: May 14, 2008 03:52 pm            

Cleaning up relationships

Two days, 15 trash bags, and three trips to Goodwill — the garage is finally clean. Spring cleaning didn’t come a day too early as our convenient, roomy garage had become a junk heap. It didn’t happen overnight. I’d come across something I didn’t know where to store, so I’d stick it in the garage. Someone would give us something we didn’t know how to use; we’d stick it in the garage. Old toys, outgrown clothes, trophies and decorations were all tossed into the garage. Finally, the moment of truth arrived: we either cleaned the garage or burned it down. We sorted everything and determined what we wanted to keep and what needed to go. Not only did we get rid of all the stuff getting in the way, we actually found treasures we’d been missing for months. Now that we don’t dread going out there, we actually enjoy the convenience of a clean garage. But it wasn’t easy.

Sometimes relationships need a little spring cleaning. We drift along allowing bad habits to accumulate, bitter feelings to pile up, and unresolved arguments to gather dust. Pretty soon the good parts of our relationship get lost in the pile of emotional junk. If you find yourself avoiding another person because it gets a little ugly, it may be time to do some cleaning.

Set a time. As anyone can attest, you don’t cram spring cleaning into a spare moment here or there, you instead set aside a chunk of time. And you get everyone involved with the goal. If your relationships need an overhaul, it’s best to set aside an ample amount of time to completely work through the process rather than try to address big issues on the fly. It’s also important to let the other person know you’d like to address some issues that have been building up.

Sort the good from the bad. Success in spring cleaning ultimately depends on the sorting; knowing what to pitch and what to keep. Just as we didn’t pay attention to how junky the garage had become until we found we couldn’t walk through it, junky habits can creep into our relationships without our realizing until the problems become huge. Individual incidents can seem too trivial to be worth the trouble of discussion, so we just shove them to the back of our minds. Yet, when these incidents become a pattern which creates ongoing frustration or hurt, ill feelings can slowly build up creating a relational mess. The answer is to sort the good from the bad and identify those habits which cause problems. For example, if your parent, child or spouse has developed a pattern of arriving late to meet you, it’s easy to let each individual incident go. But, over time, a sense that their time is more important than yours can creep in and create problems. The fact that the late individual doesn’t intend to send this message doesn’t keep you from being hurt. Identifying the difficulty and finding a way to accommodate competing schedules while affirming the importance of each person can clear away the junk. Half-listening to conversations, sarcasm, busyness are all habits that can creep in and disrupt relationships. If they’ve started to build up, it may be time to do some cleaning.

Rediscover the good. Cleaning out junk is good; rediscovering your treasures is even better. As we clear away relational junk, we rediscover all the good parts of our relationships: the great sense of humor, the keen intellect, the shared interests, the tender touch. Instead of avoiding each other, we want to spend time together. We enjoy all the good from the past and, with all the junk gone, find room to add some new ways to connect that make our relationships even more intimate.

We’ve committed to keeping a better eye on the garage and using the space more wisely. More important is keeping an eye on our relationships with our spouses and children to ensure they remain free of baggage. It’s takes a lot of work, but it’s sure better than deciding it’s time to burn the place down.



Tess Worrell is the mother of eight and teaches parenting and marriage. E-mail her at tess@family-matters. us.

        

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