Testing home remedies

By Ward Degler/Times Sentinel columnist

May 14, 2008 06:42 pm

— I just waded through another bunch of home cures aimed at everything from headaches to fleas. Some are old hat, while others boggle the imagination.
Start with Gatorade as a cure for headaches. It’s a known thirst quencher and since dehydration is a biggie in causing headaches, just getting the fluids in you could help. Gatorade also helps bring your electrolytes back to normal after physical or emotional stress.
Colgate toothpaste as a salve for burns? Maybe. Most of what I found out about fluoride toothpaste is a seldom-talked-about danger of fluorosis or fluoride poisoning. This seems to be a special danger with young kids who tend to swallow the “good tasting” toothpaste.
One medical report also claims that 48 percent of children who drink fluorinated water suffer muscle cramps typical of fluorosis. The toxicity of fluoride is rated in the middle, between lead and arsenic. I don’t know about treating burns, but I may never brush my teeth again.
How about chewing Altoids to clear up a stuffy nose? I’ve tried them, and they work. I don’t know why and I couldn’t find anyone else who does either. Probably the intensity of pure peppermint oil. The fumes are strong enough to blast through solid concrete.
Horseradish and olive oil as a rubdown for achy muscles? Internet references extol the virtues of olive oil for cooking, as an emollient in cosmetics, and as a good healthy tonic for what ails you. Horseradish reminds me a lot of Altoids. Nothing I know of will clear your sinuses faster than sticking your nose into a freshly-opened jar of horseradish.
Honey as a cure for skin blemishes? Many people think honey is the world’s perfect food, an elixir with magical powers. I know it is the only food that will never spoil. I once found a half-empty jar of honey that had accidentally gotten packed with some old office files. Three years later it was a little sugary but still good. There are books out there about the many uses of honey. Me, I like it in my tea.
Will Listerine cure athlete’s foot and toenail fungus? Some people think so. It is a powerful antiseptic to be sure, but I couldn’t find anything to tell me how it stacks up as an anti-fungal. But, hey, try it. What have you got to lose? At least your feet will smell good.
What about using Formula 409 as a bug spray? Sure, it will work. So will hair spray and Windex, and I’ve even gone to war against yellow jackets with a can of spray paint. The spray coats their wings so they can’t fly, and it plugs up their breathing passages. I do recall, however, that I had to spend considerable time cleaning bright red spray paint off the kitchen floor.
Another claim is for Elmer’s glue as a splinter remover. Put a drop on the splinter, wait for it to dry and then pull it off. The splinter comes out with the hardened glue. The key word here is hardened, and I can testify that Elmer’s takes at least eight hours to harden. Yeah, I don’t want to wait that long with a painful splinter either. The sterilized needle and tweezers routine would be my recommendation.
Vinegar as a treatment for bruises? This is right out of Grandma’s Home Remedy book. Vinegar has just about as many recommended uses as honey. My own grandmother used to make a compress soaked in cider vinegar for aches and bruises.
Another “cure” is oatmeal for relieving arthritis pain in the hands. Just make up a bowl of the stuff and rub it in. I don’t know if it works, but it might explain why babies learning to feed themselves never seem to be bothered with arthritis pain.
Dawn dishwashing liquid to kill fleas? Could be. I know it was the detergent of choice for cleaning up the stranded waterfowl in the Exxon Valdez disaster. The caution here is to make sure to rinse thoroughly to avoid itching. That would be a deal-breaker for me. My dog Brutie itches when the weather changes.
Speaking of my dog Brutie, I tried out another remedy: Bounce dryer sheets as a cure for dog odor. When Brutie gets wet, he stinks. I mean, his aura could peel paint. So, hey, I decided to give the Bounce a try. When he came in a soggy doggy from the rain last week, I dried him with his towel and then wiped him down with a dryer sheet.
The good news is, it worked. Brutie smelled as clean and fresh as freshly laundered pillow cases. The bad news is he hated the smell. So much so that the next time he went outside, he dug up the deadest, raunchiest thing he could find and rolled around in it. Unfortunately, Bounce didn’t work the next time he came in.
After all is said and done, I can recommend one or two of the above, remain neutral on several others, but definitely, definitely vote “no” on using Bounce on Brutie.
Ward Degler is a Zionsville writer and artist. E-mail him at wdegler@att.net.

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