Published: September 23, 2008 06:02 pm            

Understanding the many meanings of ‘I love you’

“Mommy, Daddy, I love you!” These words melt every parent’s heart. But, what do they mean? It turns out they can mean far more than simply an attempt to communicate undying devotion. “I need you,” “I want your attention,” “Are we OK?,” “Please get me this toy,” “I’m just touching base,” and “Give me my way,” are all potential messages in a child’s simple, “I love you.”

At a recent soccer game, I saw a mom and son waiting in a long line outside the women’s restroom. Mom was trying to coax son into going into the line-free boys’ restroom. “I love you, Mom,” was his reply as he clung to her. Through those words, he clearly communicated that he needed the security of being with her and under no circumstances wanted to be forced to enter the boys’ room alone. Our young children have few words to communicate a huge variety of emotions and experiences. It’s important, therefore, not to assume our children mean what we would mean in using common phrases. To truly communicate with our children, we need to step inside their world and understand their meaning so that we can respond appropriately.

At its core, “I love you” is most often used by our children to indicate a need or desire to connect. Tense situations can cause our children to be unsure how things stand between them and us. When tempers rise as we deal with their misbehavior or a crisis at home, they may offer an “I love you” to make sure the relationship is still OK. When we reciprocate assuring them of our love, they know all is well, even if they are still in trouble or we are coping with a difficult situation.

Other times, they long to connect for more ulterior motives. Child spies a coveted toy or special treat and, with wide-eyed sincerity, offers an “I love you, Daddy” in order to get dad in the right frame of mind to supply said treat. When they combine messages of “I love” and “I want,” it’s important to acknowledge and accept the love while separating out the “I want.” Young children naturally tend to see a loving parent as a providing parent, and that’s a good thing. Yet, it’s also important to help them see that parents still love even when they don’t provide a specific object of desire. Reminding them that you are grateful for their love and love them in return, even as you say “no” to a purchase, is an important life lesson.

Often children will utter an “I love you” simply because they need our attention. In the middle of the hectic pace of life, children can begin to feel simply shuttled from one activity or destination to another. As they feel pushed to the back burner by parents’ obligations and deadlines, children may utter an “I love you” as a way of asking, “Do I still matter?” When this is the message, we need to take a pause and respond to their need to feel at the top of our priorities.

Of course, there are those moments when our children’s “I love you” simply means they love us. Their hearts burn with a devotion and connection that drives them to let us know we are the most important people in their lives. “I love you!” bursts out of them with joy and delight. The only response is to joyfully assure them that our hearts burn with the same boundless devotion.

The key in all these situations is to be aware that our children are trying to communicate complex thoughts with the few tools they have available. In order to discern their true message and respond accordingly, we need to take the time to understand the hidden message in their words. As the mom at the soccer game scooped up her son and assured him that she would stay with him, his little face lit up. He tightly hugged her neck, his abounding love evident to all.

Tess Worrell is the mother of eight and teaches parenting and marriage. E-mail her at tess@family-matters. us.

        

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